Here are a few random updates.

College

Good grades

Amazing friends

The right amount of drama to keep me grounded

Something else

Passed my driving test, theory part. on the dot too!

Bad weeks. Lost my phone.

Moved out!

New found freedom

Being broke

Ah well....the last one never changes.

Oh and oh...

Being happy





I would ask you to keep yourselves updated on my blog but that's not your job.


Just don't give up on me.

Be there, still.

Cause I'm almost back.

My Stuff

Buy la.

You wont.

Its not just human nature.
Its more about my nature.

I asked Nick to be my boyfriend.

He said yes.

And then I proceeded to buy him on facebook.

It was an endless battle between his ex girlfriend and I, but I don't give up easy. I do feel bad that he is being treated like an object but its virtual life.

Deal with it or just sign out.

Lately, I've been going out. Leaving my room.

And life, the people in it, haven't been stabbing me in the back yet.

However I am not the same person I used to be, and it doesn't even hurt as much to digest that fact.

Heartbreak, nightmares, betrayal, neglect, self destruction, picking up, leaving, traveling, digging deeper holes and complete disconnection from the real world has made some changes in everything from my nervous system to immune system.

Or lack of both.

Most people, strangers, I have met think there is something completely wrong with me.

Example?

I was at a party on New Years eve, and I happened to be the only one not "socializing"
Nobody said I had to. I just went to get out of my room.
When a few people asked me if there was anything wrong, I gave smart-ass answers.

"Whats your name?"

"Why do you ask like you're going to remember it later?"

And they may damn well read this, since facebook, that god damn facebook, leaves no room for secrets anymore.

Anyway, getting back, I was merely spacing out the rest of the night. I had a song stuck in my head that I couldn't figure out the words to and my feet hurt.


The guys proceeded to pry and persist.

Just read this if you want to :
------

Me : i admit i talk a bit weird but i think
Me : im immature

Friend: ur immature?
Friend: i dont knw tht
Friend: i may talk alot to u, u dont sound immature to me
Friend: bt yeah mayb u should change the way u talk
Friend: not drastically bt a little

Me : wht do you mean?

Friend: i heard u speak to my frenz the other day
Friend: im sorry....bt u did talk abit weird. change tht
Friend: i dont knw how i aint no expert
Friend: n dont tell random ppl bout u suffering frm mental disorder
Friend: u shouldnt
Friend: tip no.1
Friend: nv nv show ppl ur weakness

Me : dude i said that as a joke
Me : cause they asked me "whats wrong with you?"
Me :like there was indeed something clinically wrong with me
Me : so, to humor them, i replied "I have a mental disorder"
Me : I dont actually...dude.

Friend: some ppl blivd

Me : I just wanted to feed their imagination
Me : saay whhhaaatt?

Friend: thy asked me
Friend: yeah
Friend: i think everyone asked me later
Friend: if u were ok

Me : thats quite feeble minded of them

Friend: n if u really suffered frm it
Friend: i said yeah

Me : lol why?

Friend: dont knw

Me : did they ask why or what?

Friend: thyre like .....are u sure
Friend: i said yeah
Friend: bt shez ok now
Friend: jz make her feel good
Friend: muahahahahahahahahaha

Me : LOL omg
Me : so thats why they talked to me

Friend: nono

Me : omg im like a test subject lol

Friend: thy were afraid thy mite say something wrong
Friend: thn i wz like......
Friend: chll chill
Friend: u can talk to her like normal
Friend: jz dont say something stupid
Friend: thy got scard to talk to u
Friend: bt i told thm its ok
Friend: talk to her like how u talk to others
Friend: it wz funny shit

----
I couln't blame them even if I tried and its quite amusing.

Fuck, its the only amusement I get in my life these days...

Confusing the shit out of peoples minds.

I even do that with my parents.

----
"Have you eaten?"
"Have I even woken up?"
"What are you doing right now then?"
"Half asleep,dreaming about eating."
"Then go eat la!"
"Cant, I still haven't gone to sleep yet to get to the dream part"

----

That just happened a few minutes ago between my mom and I.

Maybe it is an attitude problem.

Whats wrong with me
Whats wrong with the life given to me that it has to fall apart at the very edges which I just love to walk on.

Was there some defect in the way it was built and given to me, that the problem isn't poverty, disability, or sheer stupidity but some glitch in the mixing and stirring process of a life?

I mean, I know I'm not the prettiest girl.
Definitively not the smartest, kindest, most honourable or gifted girl.

I lie a lot. I learn to take pride in the facades I put up, take shame in compliments, and say sorry for things most people die to hear.

I'm not always loyal and definitely not a realist...but that doesn't mean I'm not realistic.

My heads right here where you can see it, taking in the good the bad and the pointless. But the mind is always somewhere else, feeding false hope to the realities I refuse to deal with. I'm always stuck in in betweens, holding onto the thing I should let go of,reaching out for something to back me up.

I know I should let go. But I'm already clinging so whats a little more re-insurance compared to that.

I'm sorry I don't make sense but somewhere in my head I do. The thoughts come together in perfect threads that due to human errors cannot reach my fingers, cannot be comprehended by these useless nerves.

I talk too much, I'm aware of that.

I talk to little, I'm aware of that too.

I talk too much to people I feel comfortable with until they cant wait for me "to shut up."

I waste these useless words, thoughts, opinions and effort on people who frankly don't give a fuck.

And then, I talk too little.
Mainly to everyone else. It's a real problem and most people tend to get worried.

"Whats wrong with her?"

"Is she okay?

Yes, I am fine, that is my normal state of being.

Blame the glitch not me.

I am, for some amazing seconds, a mystery. And human beings love mystery.

They try to break through, most don't succeed but those rare few who do, get to know the real story behind the mystery.

---But make no mistake, I am indeed a bipolar crackhead---

That's when it ends. They realize there is no mystery.


It was all just an elaborate, but ultimately empty shell.

"I liked it better when you were too scared to talk"

"And then you'll shut up?"


My argument here is not the fact that I want to defend the sensibility or importance of my thoughts, words.

You never had to listen, understand,or fix anything.

But if you couldn't keep alive the only comfort I had, then you should have never ever cracked that shell.

Like you could handle the mess that was going to spill out.

Like you could ever fucking love me.

So from finding out the "story" behind this half-ass made life to wanting the stories to stop scarring your ears, I become just a tool for your human needs.

I'd rather be the girl who never talks and you never get bored of, because she could be everything that you can't even think about in your complex mind.....

Than the girl who told you she has nothing but empty words for your deaf ears.


And that is why, people, I do not communicate through words and voices.

But dont blame me, blame the fucking glitch. It's real.

God told me so.

My Stuff

Get yourself some good karma and order a pair of custom painted shoes (converses, stilettos,flats,vans) or request anything else to be custom painted

2 pm.
Time to update my journal.
After lunch.

-------------------------------

4.57 pm

Before I start with this crap, I want to thank Charlie for the gifts and subscription. He's kickass.



So how the fuck are you people?

As usual, lifes a rut in my part of the world.
Its the way its supposed to be.
Or maybe just the way I live.

When did I become like this?
Well, I already asked those questions in previous journal entries before, no answers as usual.

Right now, as I'm typing this, I just feel completely empty.

Sipping tea (no milk) and listening to Boxcar Racers.

To be quite honest I'm not sure why I'm updating.

Inspiration without substance or reason, I guess.

Just woke up, and felt like it.

I'm a strong believer that everyone's the same, tear away the wealth, education and materialistic things, you're left with some hope, some sadness, searching for happiness and sometimes, for just a little while finding it.

You cant say that you'd be happy if I took away twenty percent of your life right now. Only twenty but you wouldn't be okay with it. Take it away and you're just like me.

No I'm not missing some part of my life.

I'm trying to find that part, in order to lose it. Without that, it seems like I'm missing out on I-don't-know-what.

I might take my bike out for a ride later, its an old bike, been around since I was 12, was my brothers. The time passed doesn't take away the feeling I used to feel riding it when I was twelve though. Just replace the older brother with a younger, much plumper brother

Come to think of it, I'm utterly bored with life. Love. Going out. Sleeping in. Eating. Drinking. Staring. Listening. Everything.

Going broke with every breath I take actually. I need money quick. Won some through my local newspaper a few weeks ago, submitted a picture of some robbers, waiting for my mom to bring back a copy of the paper that "she keeps forgetting" back from her workplace. I'm going to write into The Star (newspaper) later and demand for it.

"Fuck you, I'm broke, I'm jobless,a dropout and every fucking day I wake up and I'm losing friends AND I believe in retail therapy so you better give my my god damn money right fucking now.

Thank you"

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. No shit.

Ahh, I'm aware that I curse way too much.

That could be because my boyfriends Australian.
Or...that would be why my boyfriends Australian....

Oh well. Its just mutual addiction.

College should be starting next year.
It should have started this year but that's entirely my fault, I take full blame for that. My parents however will bear the full amount.

I feel bad about that. My new resolution is that I'm not going to ask my parents for money anymore. I either make my own or lose it.

Its no big deal, I live like that anyway.

So whats been happening with me lately...

Lifes been crap. Everytime I try to get up, something hits me back down.
Sometimes I just stay down, weighing the pros and cons. What do I have to wake up for?
For a while things seem to get better, and then I'm in the rut again.

Quite honestly, I dont know why I updated.
Maybe because I told Charlie I would.
Maybe because I'm avoiding doing the things I should be doing.

But mainly because I can.

Yesterday I went to watch Twilight with

It was my first time meeting her, so that was pretty cool.


Shes not the first friend from deviantart I've met, first being

Had some trouble collecting tickets, ended up almost yelling at the guy behind the counter.

That's not me, I never do that.

Usually calm, "don't-give-a-fuck" but now I find myself showing the wrong emotions for the wrong situations. If there's nothing for me to do, I'd beat myself up inside my head. If I might not join any college in time or find a course I want to do within a month, find my certs and forms, lost my identity card and whatnot, I'd just sit in front of my computer, sip tea (without milk) and write pointless words.

If I were famous, I'd get away with the way I'm living.

But I'm not, so you'd probably know where people like me end up.

I'm straying. I have a habit of going on about nothing and miss out on everything.

So met Alsa. Shes really nice, an easy person to hang out with. We hit it off real well. Talked a lot over lunch, maybe she has Peter Pan complex, maybe I have Peter Pan complex, but we tend to act like kids. Yes, we would be good friends.



The movie, I loved it. Like my friend Alexis, said, "It's the closest visual representation (to the book) that there could be"

We hung out a bit after the movie, and then I had to go meet (Saff) the biggest bitch in the world to go for a gig.

I was supposed to meet Jesse at the train station.
He convinced me there was a bridge from the mall where I was to the train station. A very short walk as well.

Not as much as he convinced himself, and the poor guy ended up walking for almost half an hour to pick me up.

Hes a nice guy, not only did he walk to get me, he also followed me back home in a cab when it was too late to be safe in a top with too much cleavage. And he lives in the other direction.

Guys like that are hard to find.

The gig.

Dodgy.

Stuffy.

Hot.

Quite scary people.

The music wasn't too bad though,hardcore music puts me to sleep. Me and Jesse.

Jesse was the only Chinese, squinty eyed underaged kid there.

I was the only bug eyes, Indian there.

No racism implied here, it was just awkward and we just laughed about it.

Saff didn't fit in too well herself, in fact she stood out more than us, wearing a white eyelet top and looking like a magazine cover girl.

Oh and Saff, we are NOT wearing wedges EVER again to a gig. Or anywhere for that matter.
We are even on that dress thing.

A grudge she holds against me from 4 years ago when we made a pact to wear a dress to some place and I backed out without telling her.

Now we're even.

And Jesse loves your car more than he could ever love a girl.

Met an old friend at the gig, his band was playing. He recognized me first, and I knew him back. Miracle on my part.

I think I'm going to shut up now.

On a final note, help me make money. Be creative, this is a fucking art site.

And for the love of anything at all, read this :

[link]

I hope that stabs you in the heart.


For pointless reasons, go to my blog.

My Stuff

Get yourself some good karma and order a pair of custom painted shoes (converses, stilettos,flats,vans) or request anything else to be custom painted